I Kept My Promise

Next Monday, I will sit in a classroom with no one that I know. On top of that, I will be required to wear swim suit in front of these strangers. Deep breath. Okay, here we go.

Justin and I went to Dick’s Sporting Goods today to try on swim suits. This is really one of the most tramatic days in a girl’s year. We can only hope there aren’t cameras in those fitting rooms. I swear a movie could be made about girls trying on swimsuits. Can you imagine all the breakdown scenes? I’m sure I would win a grammy for my perforamnce today.

I picked out three swim suits. One pieces, which I think I have worn only two of these types of swim suits in my entire life— they aren’t flattering. It took me about 15 minutes to figure out how to put them on. No kidding. I really couldn’t fit it over my huge thighs, so I put in on my head first and then tried to pull my legs up to my head. I really looked like a circus entertainer in the room trying to tease my body into a swim suit that was too small for me. The scene was funny, I’m sure. But the fact of the matter is I was trying on a size 40. And I didn’t fit. I completely broke down. I just sat there on the ledge with tears pouring down my face.

“Baby, where are you?” Justin asked.

“Here,” I could barely manage to say.

He walked in and saw me cuddle up on the ledge. “How do you even put these on?” I asked.

He laughed and told me a technique. The most obvious I’m sure. I’m reallly the only person who wouldn’t figure out how to put on a one piece swim suit.

I squeezed it on. The fat on my thighs was popping out. My back fat could slap Chuck Norris in the face 40 times.

“Oh,” Justin said. “I get it.”

He knew right then that the reason I didn’t want to take the scuba diving class was because my fear of my body. Getting in a swim suit in front of complete strangers. It was embarassing, especially looking like I do.

“I love you baby,’ Just said then wiped the tears off my cold cheeks. “I have an idea, I’ll be right back!”

He came back with men’s speedo trunks, again the tight kind. Even worse. I couldn’t even pull them up past my knees. A size 36. Really, Speedo? I wear a size 32 in jeans and I couldn’t wear a men’s 36 or a women’s 40. Wow.

So I cried. Justin gave me the sweestest look and said, “You can drop the class babe. I really understand everything now.”

He is so loving and understanding. I don’t know what I would do without him. Honestly.

On the way home, I kept thinking about which class I could take. Maybe a communications class. Maybe a pscyhology class. Maybe a cooking class. I didn’t really know, but I knew I was going to drop the class ASAP.

I started searching for classes online and Justin came up to me.

“Wait, I have an idea,” he said. “Go to e-Bay.com”

Great. First of all, I have horrible luck with eBay purchases. And second, I was depressed and sick of his ideas. God love him, but I was just about ready to jump into traffic.

So we searched up ladies wet suits. I was embrassaed just thinking about it. I’d be the fat kid who got picked last in gym class. But he told me how two girls in his class wore them and they are really cool. But he looked over and saw my sad brown eyes, full of tears. I looked like a girl who had never smiled in her whole life, weeping with fear and sorrow.

“You have a few days to think about it,” he said.

“Maybe I’ll take that personality class,” I said.

“No you really don’t want to do that, you will hate it,” Justin said. “Take something easy and fun!”

Like what, scuba diving? Yeah that worked well for me.

Then I thought of you. I thought of my readers. I thought of everyone who inspired me to keep dreaming and keep believing in my abilities. I’ve recieved so many e-mails and messages from people who have told me how I inspired them. Would you be inspired by my decision to not take a scuba class because I couldn’t fit into a swim suit? I thought I made a committment to not let sizes and numbers rule my life. Justin reminded me of that when I was crying and then I heard him say it again in my head when I was thinking about the situation.

So, this was a test. I was supposed to be put in a situation where a number would control my decision to do something.

I got up and ran to the computer. Screw it, I’ll order the 2x and be happy. I have to take this chance. I’m sick of this fear and negativity weighing my down in life.

I ordered my 2X wet suit and it will be here in 3-8 business days.

I’ll post pictures. And I promise, I’ll be smiling- not crying.

Much love,

8 thoughts on “I Kept My Promise

  1. While the journey may be rough and you'll have more moments when you want to get out, these tests and your perseverance will make the whole experience even more memorable. (I promise!) On top of that, it will show you a strength that you probably didn't know you had. Cheers to you, Ashley! I wish you all the best.


  2. “There are admirable potentialities in every human being. Believe in your strength and your youth. Learn to repeat endlessly to yourself, 'It all depends on me.'” -Andre Gide

    I found this quote inspiring when I pushed myself to venture off all by myself in Australia. (I become really anxious when it comes to doing something in a unknown place all on my own with strangers surrounding me.)


  3. I love it! Thanks for sharing. I'm going to start telling myself that now. I think you are very brave for going there alone. I thought that even before I knew you and Justin told me about your trip. You are an inspiration!

  4. Dude, you and Tiffany need to get together and practice saying this to each other: Shush, You!

    We get one ride through the world + the both of you are amazing young women with so much to offer. Happiness doesn't come from that. It comes from who you are + the people around you in life.

    The body will change, morph and battle you (and it will ALWAYS win) your whole life. You will, in the end, never win that battle so don't make it the center piece of your life. It's just a thing, and really, one of the least important things about us.

    You know, for whatever that is worth.

  5. You are absolutely correct! Some days its easy to take my own advice, others days its really hard. I'm glad I have people in my life that support me and guide me in the direction. And I never thought of it that way — my body will always, always win. I will remind myself of this post when I get caught up in letting society's perceptions of “beauty” and “healthy” dominate my thoughts.

    You, of course, rock!!! Thank you 🙂

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