“I love your top side,” I said. “I love your bottom side.”
And that’s when he did it.
He placed his head under my chin, just above my heart.
A piece of my heart exploded as I kissed his forehead and continued reading one of our favorite books.
Tears filled in my eyes as I remembered to cherish that moment. It feels like just yesterday I was rocking him to sleep. Begging and praying that he would sleep for more than 2 hours straight.
During those sleep deprived months, I remember taking a minute to cherish those moments too.
Those sleepless, emotional draining moments.
Those moments where he laid perfectly on my chest.
I can still remember that baby smell.
I can still remember hearing the sound of him snoozing off to sleep.
I can still remember his tiny hand rubbing my shirt.
I can still remember walking quietly to the crib and trying to barely move a muscle as I laid him into the crib – only for him to wake up and smile at me the moment I put him down.
“Nice try, mom!” I would imagine him saying. “You aren’t getting off that easy.”
I would pick him up and spend another 30 minutes laughing, crying, and praying – for both sleep and the strength to appreciate those moments.
Now my sweet baby boy is 19 months old.
He reads along during our bedtime stories.
He turns the pages.
He points at the animals.
He says “NOSE” and points to it at the right time.
He snuggles, but only for a little bit.
I lay him down in the crib without a fight.
I place him on his belly.
Rub his back.
Pat his butt.
And say, “I love you baby boy. Let me know if you need anything. Mommy isn’t far. Sweet dreams.”
I turn on his sleep sheep and walk out of the room and he (usually) sleeps for 12 hours at time.
Time has changed us both.
Now that he is getting older, more people are asking us about baby #2.
Sometimes I joke it off and say how much I love the sleep these days. Or I say something about him being an only child if he keeps his attitude up (he gets that honest from both of us):
Other days I share that we are hoping we are pregnant one day soon!
And on occasion, I’ll share the truth.
I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
What’s that? Well, the PCOS Foundation describes it as:
PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, and is one of the most common hormonal endocrine disorders in women. PCOS has been recognized and diagnosed for seventy-five years. There are many signs and symptoms that a woman may experience. Since PCOS cannot be diagnosed with one test alone and symptoms vary from woman to woman, PCOS has been known as the “Silent Killer”. Early diagnosis of PCOS is important as it has been linked to an increased risk for developing several medical risks including insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease.
Among other horrible symptoms such as thinning hair, weight gain AND difficulty losing weight, pelvic pain, and depression — infertility is a huge side effect. My periods are often 40 to 50 days apart and Lord only knows when or IF I ovulate. We actually discovered I have PCOS when I was trying to pregnant with Coop. During my first ultrasound after finding out I was pregnant, they found that my ovaries were FILLED with cysts. I was considered “high risk” for about 14 weeks when the cysts finally went away.
It’s technically been a year since we started “trying” for baby #2.
Coop was only nine months old and I remember telling Justin we would handle the chaos if I actually get pregnant. We both agreed we’d be happy with another one, so we just started “trying” again.
No temperature tracking.
No ovulation tests.
No fertility drugs.
Just good ol’ fashion baby making.
About 3 months ago, I told Justin that I just want to leave everything up to God. I told him I will truthfully be happy with just having one child. I’m lucky enough we even have our Coop. Our little miracle baby!
And tonight, I realized that I truly do feel complete.
I don’t feel like anything is missing in my life.
Sure, if we had another kid we would be excited about our growing family.
But I am 100% content and happy with our family. I know that Cooper has enough personality for 3 kids.
He keeps me laughing, smiling, crying, pulling my hair out, and dancing every single day. Mainly laughing and smiling.
I refuse to let PCOS define who I am as a person.
I refuse to waste my life wishing and waiting for something else, something more.
I refuse to let this disease hinder my ability to love and appreciate what I DO have in my life.
Because what I DO have is incredibly beautiful and fulfilling life.
And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Although, if there was a way to make bacon calorie-free, I would do that…right after I remove the calories from ranch dressing.
In all seriousness, I hope you can learn to appreciate what you have at this very moment in life. It’s so easy to get caught in wishing for something new or better. Often times, the best is right in front of us, but we are too blinded by expectations and hopes for the future.
I don’t want you to stop chasing your dreams. You should chase your dreams passionately and wildly. But just take time to appreciate everything you have today – at this very moment.
And I’m pretty pumped about what I have at this very moment in time: